I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
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*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
Love is in the air fryer.
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.