[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
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Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
c’mon!
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”