It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
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Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
My patience has stretch marks.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”