Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
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If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.