Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I sleep like a baby at night…

…a baby with a terrible secret.

yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other

Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.

me doing my best

You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.

Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital

Me: That would be great, we really need the beds

Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.

Secure web server:

> Email/password please.

Insecure web server:

> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?

If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.

My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.

What is love?

You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?

Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..

I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.

I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.

Saturday

[phone rings]

me: hello?

NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.

me: [quickly hangs up]

It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.

hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER

If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.

American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.

Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”

I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.

I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….

Hahahaha just kidding

I look great naked

Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?

“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*

I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.

ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU

ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES

Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.

My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.

Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.