Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
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god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John