*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
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By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
This is my bus stop.
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
I’m an avid indoorsman.
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.