I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.

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Shout out to sidewalks.

Thanks for keeping me off the streets.


I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.


It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.


Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.


When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”


“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”


Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.


According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.


My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.