I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
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I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
Not today, today.
Not today.
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
A two-step guide to warning someone not to hit their head:
1. Wait until they’ve hit their head
2. Say “ooh, mind your head”
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
Why soy sad?
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(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
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Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”