@doooiiiit
@thejessbess Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
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@thejessbess 
@amburgklur I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
@Savage_Scavange Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
@GrowlyGrego It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
@mollymcnearney Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
@ShaneWarne When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
@longwall26 “Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
@mikeleffingwell Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
@amburgklur According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
@TheAndrewNadeau My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.