I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
You Might Also Like
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?