I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
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landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
This is sending me to another galaxy
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?