Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
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How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
Wise advice
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks