When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
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For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
I have a place for everything. The floor.
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager