Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
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[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done