Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments

I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.

Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”

Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it

One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.

*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*

[first date]

him: I’m a cat person.

me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand

To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.

Me: I’m eating for two now.

Him: Oh, are you pregnant?

Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?

Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.

You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.