At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
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*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
🐕🍷
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.