My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
You Might Also Like
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
Happy birthday to all the women
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice