I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
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*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.