*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
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I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection