The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
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Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
Never mess with a drunken pig.
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
This kid will have a bright future.
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.