@DevilryFun You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
@MedusaOusa The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
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@DevilryFun 
@ShortSleeveSuit I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
@aidanjsears ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
@MomOnFire When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
@GingerHotDish You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
@offbeatoliv Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
@markydoodoo I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
@Darlainky Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
@candyflippin the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
@Bob_Heller “My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates