The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.

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You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.


I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list


ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no


When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.


You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.


Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.


I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.


Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*

Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.


“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates