inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
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*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.