inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
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Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
found this cool rock hiking today
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?