I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
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The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
I’m listening
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.