Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
You Might Also Like
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
I am HOWLING at this
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”