On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
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Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
Holy moly
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
Sorry not sorry.
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
Why does laundry happen to good people?
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
this is uni
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.