Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
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It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.