“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
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My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
Travel bloggers during quarantine