Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
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me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
Room with a view.
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Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
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north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
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I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
me: hey babe, are you Leonardo DiCaprio because you are keeping it under 25
slow driver in front of me:
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now