Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
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Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
I think we should hear other voices.
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
Pass gas, not judgment.
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*