Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
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I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.