What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
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My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
Cheers Twitter.
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
Woke up against my better judgment again
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!