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Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
get you a girl who
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.