when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
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fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
I came this close!!!!
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.