I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
You Might Also Like
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree