I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
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BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
I would like even faster food.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep