@Prof_BrianCocks

K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?

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@FlyJ_

The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.

@BalakrishnanR

Made my day..

I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs

@simoncholland

If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.

@Holy_Mowgli

ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway

@thenoahkinsey

Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?

This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.

@UpsideDad

My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.

@Izianikapani

Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.

@KentWGraham

Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?

@citizenkawala

I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.

@figgled

Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming