K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
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Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.