My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
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What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
Geez man, take it easy.
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.