Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
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Digital security in Ancient Troy
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor