My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
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People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
This is I, Robot all over again
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
*mops up wine with cat*
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.