*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
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When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
It be like that sometimes 😆
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
Why does laundry happen to good people?
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?