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Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
I hope Alan is OK
Oops
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
TWEET CALL
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Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up