Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
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“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
🤣could you imagine
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account