Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
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i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.