As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
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I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob