People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
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I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
house sitting!
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.