house sitting!
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*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
That eye roll….
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them