I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
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I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
Is fake venison called venisn’t
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.