Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
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M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
This guy gets it.
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?