Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
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This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
Um … Hot Wings please
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
Imma just leave this here…………
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.