Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
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When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
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So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
*3.5 thank you very much.
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I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Happy Thanksgiving
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You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
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