*3.5 thank you very much.
![]()
You Might Also Like
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
![]()
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.