*3.5 thank you very much.
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Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
what
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast