*3.5 thank you very much.
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She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
M: Yes, dear.
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscape
Be like Mario.
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman