I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
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don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.