I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
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[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
I feel this so hard
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔