I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
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#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
The Others (2001)
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Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?