The Others (2001)
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[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
this is the greatest thing ever
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
Ah yes. The three genders
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.