Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
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Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
He died doing what he loved: being alive
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu