My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
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I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”