To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
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Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
fixed it
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
me doing my best
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse