ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
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My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
I put the p in pants.
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.