My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
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why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
This is painfully accurate 😅
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
Hmmmmm
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices